View Full Version : Beyond Upset and I'm Sick !!!

11-10-2008, 01:16 AM
I've learned two horrible things this past week , both about my grand nieces .
My brothers daughter, Jennifer, reformed drug addict, graduate of Penn State and now Director of Witness Program in Harrisburg . She published a book * Blackout Girl * She sent me an autographed book in which I couldn't put down . At the age of 12 , she took her first drink and was with a 28 year old man that tried and didn't succeed . From that age, her life spiraled out of control .
How could I have lived in the same area and never knew this was happening . It made me sick to read this . She loss her mother to cancer at 17 . My favorite SIL that I loved dearly . I sobbed at her bedside the day she left us . My brother and her were separated by this time . And Jen confirmed what I had suspected , the woman he's married too today, is the same one he left my SIL for . Jean left and he raised the kids , badly . This is the one person that I looked up to when I was a child & teen ... besides my father . He was my favorite brother and I adored him .
I got to the chapter that she wrote , have you ever watched a loved one die an agonizing death and pray that she would just die already . Then as all my family members left , I waited some more . Finally, I heard her , her beautiful brown eyes opened wide and she pointed and spoke although I could not make out what she said, then she was gone, her head lying on my side, this brown green slime came out of her mouth . The cancer that had taken her from me and I felt this warmth in circle my body . The bond I never felt while she was alive . There is 12 chapters left to read and I can't bring myself to finish it . I'm so disgusted with my brother, I could scream .
I've loss two special SIL's to cancer . My other brother 's wife , loss her battle with cancer at the age of 34 . I was 20 . I watched the cancer literally eat her alive . She left behind 4 young children . One daughter that was 15 and became uncontrollable . She to this day lives day to day and on the land in Daytona . I hear from her once every 6 months . She calls to let me know shes alive and asks how everone is .
Her daughter lives close by to me . She just had a baby girl of her own two years back . My niece told me, my grand niece has cancer . They found it after her daughter was born . The doctors did a full hyster and she has been getting chemo . Her oncologist has given her bad news, the cancer spread and is now in her back . She is only 25 years old . Her grandmothers cancer started out the same way .
What A Messed Up Family I Have ! No one is close, no one says sh*t to anyone, even when things are known .
I have been so, so upset that I have been sick with such a bad migraine that I'm throwing up . My emotional state isn't good as all I've been doing is crying .
I don't know what to say to Jennifer . Gee, I lived down the street from you but was so tied up in my own life that I didn't know that this was happening or I would have helped you or at least tried . I heard stories, but it was always her wild ways . She was bad ... meanwhile she was crying out for help .
If you want to read about my Messed Up family read Blackout Girl . I'm really, really blaming myself right now . I don't know what to do or say . Sorry, for my ramblings and Thanks for letting me vent .

11-10-2008, 01:23 AM
:hug2::hug2::hug2: Please try not to beat yourself up about it all.... you couldn't have known hun XXXXXXXXXXX

11-10-2008, 01:28 AM
I found this on the internet .

11-10-2008, 01:31 AM
Thanx, Helly, :hug2: but I should have made it my business to have known . I was 20, losing my other SIL and into my own life . I knew things were not good up the road, but did I care then, No, I was into my life and to he!! with everyone else .

11-10-2008, 01:32 AM
Don't blame yourself...how were you to know? All you can do now is just be there for her. People with addictions go to great lengths to hide it. Also, some things are just so bad that people don't want to know about it. :hug2: to you.

11-10-2008, 01:55 AM
Thanx, Johnie . It just crushed me reading it . It brought so much back to me . And I know about these * Blackouts* I'm ashamed to say its a family trait with the Storms . I could have made it my business to have done and instead I just heard the gossip and went on with my own selfish self . Yeah, I'm beating myself up . Things I surmised was truth . I was very immature myself and believed as I was told .
I guess I'm just getting old and realizing that this was part of my past and it is resurrecting itself for a reason .
This same brother near my 50th birthday told me things about my father ... that I could not relate too . Isn't just this the pot of calling the kettle black !
I can appreciate that I was not told about my niece Tosha . I found out my other brother found out himself 2 weeks before the wedding . For that I'm thankful !
I need to talk to my niece, Jennifer and its been so long since we've been close and I don't know where to start .
Thanx for your hugs !

11-10-2008, 06:54 AM
At 20 luvvie we think we know everything :( When in reality hun you were still very very young X

11-10-2008, 10:46 AM
Oh Tink:hug2:. Don't blame yourself for the past but look at what you can do in the future.:hug2:

11-10-2008, 11:04 AM
oh gosh, you were only 20 hun - it's not your fault :hug2:

11-10-2008, 12:57 PM
Tink....I speak from experience....start with I love you and then tell her everything you are feeling. She didn't give you that book to rub your face in anything...she just finally found the words. God bless her for finding her voice...so many never do. And God bless you for caring....it's never too late for that.

11-10-2008, 03:11 PM
Don't beat yourself up, Tinker. You were quite young yourself when everything happened. We're very different people at 20 than we are at 50. The basics are inside, but we're still learning who we are and how we fit into this world.

It appears that Jennifer has found a way to begin communication with you. The book may be a bit impersonal, but it's a wonderful way to open a dialogue between the two of you--and perhaps with other family members.

:hug2: I have a feeling you're the only one blaming yourself for not seeing what was happening around you. And, with a bit of work and luck, your family just might become closer in the future.

11-10-2008, 11:46 PM
Thank You . I'm feeling a bit better today although I have horrible heartburn . Another
5 AM , getting to sleep and got up at 11 AM .
I decided to go to WDW with Marie . Since I had the money put together for SSW and that fell through for my friend . I bought my MNSSHP tix today for October 21st and I got my airline tix with Air Tran . We're on the dining plan and my friend in FL , got me a MYW tix . In 8 days I will be at The Beach Club .
When I return home, Jennifer and I are going to have dinner . I didn't know where to start until Taja said the book . You sometimes don't think and the answer is right in front of you . It is a good starting point . :yes:

mainecoon lover
12-10-2008, 06:45 PM
Sending you :hug2: hun.

12-10-2008, 09:36 PM
Good for you, Tinker! :thumbs_up: