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Thread: Disney Chav Trip Report
30-09-2008, 09:36 AM #1
is living the dream :)I am:
Disney Chav Trip Report
found this on my computer while looking through some files you have all probably seen it but it makes me smile when i read it again so here goes....
We may have to translate it for our American Cousins!
Have you ever sat on a plane with a Chaz or Chaneese - I bet we all have!
ME: Chaz 25
DW- Shaneese 22
DS – Troy – 12
DD- Charityee-Libertyee -Belle– 8
DD- Lambrini - 2
Kids ave bin pestering me for years to take em to Disneylandworld, so as luck would ave it, I managed to blag 10 months sick pay off the social (whilst still workin as a cabbie in Ilford at night).
So I’s got me wonga, oo am I gonna book wiv, I ask Shaneese. Dunno she says, but er mate Destiny says they always go wiv Virgin coz they is posh and ave red planes. Don’t book wiv that Travel City lot as they is chav – wotever that means.
Only the best for me crew, right? So I’s call into Tommys Cook in Romford ‘igh street and says, Oy, I wanna take me bird and me kids to DisneyLandworld right and I wanna go on the red plane wiv that Branston bloke.
She is very nice the Tommys Cook bird (I slipped er me mobile number wivout Shaneese seeing so I reckon Im in wivva chance) and asks wevver I mean the one in Florida or the one in California. The one in flaming AMERICA I say – blimey youd fink a travel agent would no where Disney was eh?
Any ways up, she gets me to look at the ‘oliday books and we reckon that we is goin to the Florida. We now afta choose an ‘otel. She shows me the "Quality Inn". Cor thas gotta be good innit? Quality? Yeah I likes the sounda that! Tell er we’ll ave summa that. Do I wanna ave a car? Well course I do you fick woman – and I wanna big yankee fing too – summink like Mr T ‘ad in the Ateam or that Niterider car.
She says will a Dodgy Neon do and I says yeah. Sounds like its gonna be mint.
We says we need tickets for the parks but its ovah a grand I fink nahhh. We all snuck into Alton Towers under the fence last years, soze we will do the same at Disneylandworld. I can gets a load of fags for a grand in the duty frees.
Travel agent asks if we ave passports – course we ave, love, I did a birrov ciggie smuggling in Callay last summer (the kids ‘id em in their toys).
She says ave I evah bin arrested coz if I ave I afta ave a Visa fingy. Don’t fink they’d count 3 lotsa drink driving, 2 GBH, and a coupla shopliftin collars when I woz just outta borstal so say naht. Corse, Shaneese as an ASBO and Tyson got cawt nickin jack daniels from asdas, but part from that we is as clean as wistles.
We is goin.
The day comes and Shaneese packs our stuff in sum luvvly burrberry cases she got from the boot fair. She says we be mixin wiv the posh lot on them red planes so wes gotta fit in. Real classy lady my Shan.
She gives me, Troy and Tyson a wunce ovah wiv the clippers (number 1 ov course) and pops dahn to see er mate Kellee-Leee at the Tat parlor for a quikie. She as a bald eagle dun on er leg – very American eh? (witch matches reel nice wiv me 3 lions on me calf). Pack me West am shirts, me cutt offs and a brand spankin new pair ov Reeboks and I is set to go.
We afta take Crusha (our pitbull) and Slasher (our Rottwiler – daft as brush im, except wiv postie oo lost a few fingers last week) round to Shan’s mum. She aint appy as she expecting er twelf rug rat next week. Nevers minds, they will keep er Dobermans appy.
Me mate Vinny takes us to the airport in ‘is RS Fiesta. It’s a birrova squeeze. Troy and Tyson afta sit on the speakers in the boot and Lambrini sits on Shans lap. Our cases are tied to the roof wiv some washin line so we is sorted.
Gets to the airport and finds the place where they takes the cases. Birrov argy bargy as Troy as bought ‘is air rifle and iss not allowed so theys say. We though those Yankees luvved guns an all too.
They also take away Charityees liter and Lambrinis vallium (gorit off ebay to help ‘er sleep on the plane like).
I asks about sittin in them big seets that turn into beds as I reckoned that’d be triffick, but even when I slip her a fiver and some of me tesco clubcard vouchers she still sez nah.
Look like we’ll be in the cheep seets then, wotta downer. You get common peeps in those. Not sures I wont my Shan mixin wiv them sorts.
We waits for the plaine and ov course we waits rite near the gates soze we will be first on. Stroppy mare keeps sayin me numbers avent bin called but she obviously don’t know that we is speshal and shuld be on first.
Anyways we gets on and soon as Im in me seet I fiddle wiv the buttons and yeah recline right back. Shan and the kids do the same – this is mint man.
The Tommys Cook bird sez it woz free drinks all the way (Im in ‘eavven I tell ya) so I collar one a them dolly birds and say ere luv gerrus a pint of Carling willya sweetart. In fact we will all ave one, cept little Lambrini – just top er ribena up with a nip of vodka – that’ll send er right off to sleep that will.
Shan and meself hook up to the movie channels on them TVs. Dunno wot the kids did, we never saw em for 9 hours.
Finally we is there! We is first outta our seats and in line for the door beefor they even turn the seatbelt sine off! Find kids oo ave not bin any trubble ( don’t fink so anyways as the plaine is still in one peece) and I is an appy man.
We gets to pick up the car and the geyser sez I can ave a Dodgy caravan for an extra $80. E must fink I is one of them stoopid tourists – 80 dollars for a shonky caravan. Grab im by the throat (inna friendly sorta way like) and tell im I don’t wanna caravan I wanna REEL van like Mr Ts. Sorted, the geyser gives us the keys and we is off!
Shan duz sum map readin’ (well she cant actually read but she can follow the lines pretty good) and we finds our otel. That Tommys Cook bird was spot on – it’s a quality gaff allright. TWO beds I tellya and a telly plus a shower and bog that you don’t afta share wiv the lot next door. Blindin place.
Next day we finds anuvver great gaff called Ponderosa. This place is mega – you can stuff ya face for only 4 of them dollars and its all top notch grub. Lambrini just luvs the bloo jelly and Troy eats 19 pancakes in one go.
We then jumps in the van to find Disneyworldland.
They reckon I as to pay $10 to park me bleepin van but get round that by getting Charityee to knock up a disabled badge wiv some felt tips. Bein Inglish they don’t look too ard and we is in for nuffink. Result.
Avin’ no tickets we have to climb ovah one of the turnstiles that aint bein used. Get Shan to make a sceen wiv the security geyser (she did ace makin out he had frisked her booblies) whilst I hoysted the kids ovah. Shan then gets sum big Disney cheese to give us all free tickets as she sez their security geysers were pervs. Nice one Shan – shes a top gal.
We is in Disneyworldland!
Kids wanna go in the carstle, so that is wear we is headed. Wot we don’t know is that we cant go in unless we is eatin so that’s wot we will afta do. Bird on the gate sez we need sumfink called an APR which we don’t, soze I tell er that little Lambrini is very sick (she spewd up her bloo jelly only 10 mins ago) and this is er last trip evah to Disneyworldland (well Im not lyin Im not spending this sorta cash again).
So we gets in the carstle! Troy nearly gets us chucked out again when he tries to nick Cinderellas tiara (reckons he coulda got a score for it at the boot fair).
Kids then wanna do sum rides so we goes to space mountin where there is a Q that gos on for blinkin miles. If we waits in these Qs all day we wont gets to do nuffink soze I need a plan. I sees a wheelchair not bein sat in by no one so shuv Shaneese innit and tell er to look a bit daft (not ard funny ennuff). This is our tickit to everyfing!
We gets on all the rides first and mow evry one else down wiv Shan’s chair that as a motor on it better than Vinnys RS fiesta. Wotta result. By 11 oclock we as dun it all. Get Troy to ask sum bloke wot time the 3pm parade starts but we cant be bovvered to stay.
So it only took us 2 hours to do Disneyworldland what is we gonna do for the next 13 days?
Next year Im gonna saves me cash and go to me mams caravan at Clacton instead. They ave slot masheens there.
Don’t know what all you weerdos fink is so good about Disney - itss rubbish innit?
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