A message from the Queen

[Johnie]

ok this cracked me up! It also didn't sound bad except for the $10 gas!!



A message from your Queen. To the citizens of the United States of America from Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, or most
recently to regulate your financial markets, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor
for America without the need for further elections.
The Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,''labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. (The roundabouts in Scotland were wonderful.)
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what
it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is notplayed outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups,
with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
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God Save the Queen!

[Beccaberry]

Jon got an especially big laugh out of "near frozen gnat's urine"

[foreverducky]

I wish that we had number 15.

[luvthemouse]

That is too funny!!!

[Slowhand]

Tom [catrancher] sent me this via email Johnie and it cracked me up.

[Disneybumble]

That is so funny. Come on we DO need to know about JFK.

[catrancher]

Come on we DO need to know about JFK.

So do we.

But... do you see those men over in the corner? The ones with the dark glasses? They're not gonna tell you!

Tom (who wishes he had a glass of Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine right about now!)

[Mags]

I have seen this one before in a different guise! I think its brilliant.

Margaret

[catrancher]

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Already have. Johnny Lee Miller cast as Eli Stone. A lawyer (oops sorry, in keeping with Her Majesty's directive, I should have said solicitor) with a conscience. Quite rare. This is it's second season. My DW and I rather like the show. Of course, we have to. Her oldest son does the casting for it!

Tom (who can't get you a part on "Eli Stone". Don't even ask!)

[MystikPiglit]

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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