Memo to all members...

[malcolm]

Interoffice Memo

Date: 22/12/2008

To: All Staff

From: HR

RE: Christmas Efficiencies

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered some concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance in the seasonal gift distribution market. Home shopping, the Internet and mail order have diminished Santa’s market share.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the procurement of a more streamlined lightweight sled. Leading to increase productivity from Dasher and Dancer. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions (gas and solid) for which the North Pole has received negative publicity. We are pleased to announce that Rudolphs role will not be affected as tradition counts for something.

Management denies in the strongest terms the rumour that Rudolphs nose is not actually red from the cold but due to substance abuse.

As for further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive ways of doing business. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” musical subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the projected crop, will be replaced with a plastic one, providing savings in maintenance.

2) It has been decided that the workplace romance between the two turtle doves is inappropriate and it has therefore been decided to remove these roles.

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone should embrace Diverse culture.

4) Four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and for how long.

5) Five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications, so diversification into other resources, as well as technology, stocks and bonds would appear to be the best way forward.

6) Six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury. The production rate of one egg per goose per day is considered unsatisfactory. Three geese will be laid off. An upgrade to the selection procedure n HR will assure management that only high productivity geese will be employed from now on.

7) Seven swans a swimming was obviously a target set in more affluent times. The function is primarily decorative. Procurement are putting together a tender for the supply of mechanical swans.

8) The eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by Unions with regard to equal opportunities as they are seeking a better male/female balance in the Organisation. There are also problems as some of the maids feel there are no development, promotional or diversification opportunities. One has complained that the position has created a bad back and is off work awaiting medical referral and a full workstation risk assessment.

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as the individuals age and are no longer able to do the steps. This may be a phased process and where possible the ladies will be offered redeployment.

10) Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, together with their expenses claims, has lead the Board to suggest these roles could be replaced by Community Volunteers.

11) Eleven pipers piping and Twelve drummers drumming is simply a case of the band getting too big. This will be cut back to one of each representing savings in instruments and uniforms that will go toward the purchase of a stereo system.

Overall we can expect to see a reduction in assorted people, fowl and animals and the related expenses. Though incomplete, the capacity review has also suggested that stretching the delivery out over 12 days may be unnecessary and it this could be reduced by 3 days this would improve efficiency.

Wdisney Secrets have announced that if further cuts are required then they will be doing full time and motion on Snow White and her crew, to see if 7 dwarves really are necessary.



Happy Christmas.

[Britchick]

aint that the bloomin truth