a woman's week at the gym

**Britchick** · 08-03-2009, 11:10 AM

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
>>>
>>> Dear Diary,
>>> For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of

>>> personal training at the local health club for me..
>>>
>>> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football
>>> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
>>> ahead and give it a try.
>>>
>>> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
>>> named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
>>> instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>>>
>>> My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club
>>> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>> MONDAY:
>>> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was
>>> well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
>>> waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair,
>>> dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>>>
>>> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching
>>> the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my
>>> workout today. Very inspiring!
>>>
>>> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
>>> already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This

>>> is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>> TUESDAY:
>>> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
>>> Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air
>>> then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
>>> treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all

>>> worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>>>
>>> _______________________________
>>> WEDNESDAY:
>>> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

>>> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have

>>> a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to
>>> steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>>>
>>> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
>>> other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early
in
>>> the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
>>> VERY annoying.
>>>
>>> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the
>>> stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate
>>> an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would

>>> help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
>>>
>>> _______________________________
>>> THURSDAY:
>>> ***hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his
>>> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
>>> being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>>>
>>> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I
ran
>>> and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny ***** to find me.
>>>
>>> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.
>>> _________________________________
>>> FRIDAY:
>>> I hate that ******* Christo more than any human being has ever hated

>>> any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
>>> anaemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor.. If there was a part of

>>> my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with
>>> it.
>>>
>>> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
>>> And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn
>>> barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>>>
>>> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
>>> teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
>>> coach or the choir director?
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>> SATURDAY:
>>> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly

>>> voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice
>>> made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked

>>> the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
>>> straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>>>
>>> ________________________________
>>> SUNDAY:
>>> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
>>> and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year
>>> my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal
>>> or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he

>>> would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
>