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Thread: A Cat's Guide to Human Beings

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Northern Illinois
    Why Do We Need Humans?
    So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've
    joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and
    often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during
    the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why
    you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
    What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with
    other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this
    question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
    That makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors,
    getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations
    and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages,
    find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs
    also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

    How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
    Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important
    activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as
    conducting business, spending time with their families or even
    Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
    advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It
    is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do,
    just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers
    follow this same practice.
    Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what
    you want:
    Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front
    of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important
    than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away.
    Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every
    opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards,
    remote controls, car keys, and small children.
    Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's golden time is between 3:30
    and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face
    during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get
    up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may
    actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention remember
    to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

    Punishing Your Human Being
    Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will
    stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme
    circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments,
    such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to
    backfire - the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
    activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these
    subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

    Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
    Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic
    Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a
    hairball attack.
    After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,
    stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and
    While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

    Rewarding Your Human:

    Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
    The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with
    the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled small animal. Some
    believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others
    maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as
    much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the
    creatures up after they've been presented.
    After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend that
    cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and
    the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded
    animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still
    living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know
    it's worth it.

    How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
    You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other
    eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the
    end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are
    pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after
    all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    United States
    After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,
    stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and
    This is sooooooooooo funny!

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    How true lol.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    I think I know which one of my cats wrote this.....

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    One great pair of shoes can change your life.~~Cinderella
    Be the kind of Woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says " ! She's up!!"


  6. #6
    Senior Member uscwest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Woodbridge, VA

    My Facebook Profile: Facebook

    To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. - Heather Cortez

    When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace. - Jimi Hendrix

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Yorkshire, England
    Funny and oh so true!

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Your neighbour's Pomeranian!

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