I`ve just received an email containing the following funnies:~ Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth. My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday. My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National. If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn. I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content. Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses. What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty. A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps. ‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’ ‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’ ‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’ They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster. A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’ ‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman. ‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’ I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’ Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony. I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse. Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste. Tesco won by a short head. I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed. I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup. I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam. Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that? I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them. Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered. Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh? I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony. I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger. Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum. Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’. Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’ And the most groan-inducing . . . What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips. I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years. I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise. I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price. So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient. Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres. I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear. I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage. Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.